Every so often, a take is published on the Internet that’s so hot – no, no, so scalding – that you have to read it a fourth time, just to make sure you got the message, as you enter your local hospital’s burn unit.
This week, the gods of the Internet smiled upon us all and provided just that hot take in Carol Wilber Bradfield’s “Orgasms in the Checkout Line” on DavidsonNews.net, a local news website in Davidson, North Carolina. (Full disclosure: I lived in Davidson from 2004 to 2013, so I might have a touch of insight into the community, though I don’t know Ms. Bradfield. And, special thanks to Elizabeth Rubens for bringing this wonderful piece of writing to my attention.)
Bradfield goes after Cosmopolitan in the piece, which is great! Cosmo sucks! It gives girls unrealistic and troubling ideas about femininity, sex, love, submission, sexual safety, relationships, etc! There’s a lot to hate about Cosmopolitan! But… well… just… here:
“63 Secrets to Better Orgasms.” This Cosmopolitan headline slapped me in the face as I stood innocently in line at Food Lion, holding my Silk, avocados and Tostitos. Are things now really so ridiculous? This may officially make me an old fogey. But this headline is so wrong on so many levels. Allow me to rant.
Evidently, things are now really so ridiculous. And of course Carol stood innocently. She was buying Silk and avocados! No un-innocent person has ever bought Silk or avocados, so we know she’s not dealing illicit substances to the young whippersnappers out behind Davidson Day School. Because she’s officially an old fogey!
A red flag goes up about her innocence proclamation after seeing the word orgasms, though. If she’s innocent, does that make orgasms guilty? Or the entire magazine? Or the idea of putting magazines at checkout aisles? Or the idea of a free press? Ah, fuck it, she’s going to rant, let’s sit back and count the number of levels on which the headline is wrong.
First, how freaking inappropriate is this? (Yes, I catch the irony that I am also talking about it.) Isn’t this a personal topic? Pity the poor parent who must answer their child who wants to know why there are “63 secrets to better organisms.” Does one correct the child? “No, sweetie, that’s “orgasm,” not “organism.” Certainly children deserve the truth on healthy bodily functions. But really, is the checkout line at the grocery store the place to discuss it?
Um… not very inappropriate at all? I don’t know, did the magazine show naked chicks in full view of kids? Did the magazine have bad words in the headline, or on the cover? Like, what specifically made it inappropriate? The use of the word orgasms (not a bad word!), or the idea that people could, you know, take sexual agency to improve their love lives through reading something (not a bad thing!)?
Oh, never mind! Carol isn’t going to start with a nuanced discussion of sex-positivity and agency, she makes an organism joke. Talk about a killer opening act. Belly laughs for all! The hypothetical confused kid said organisms, not orgasms!
And yeah, pity the poor parent who has a kid ask a question about sex. Why would we ever want to have a frank, honest, open discussion about sex, or orgasms, or love with our child when we could just sweep it under the rug? Screw you, curious and well-meaning kid. You’re on your own.
The media have already dumped a mountain of garbage on young girls. They must be pretty, stylish and SKINNY. Do they really need to grow up wondering if their orgasm is as good as it could be? Do any of us? Who grades them? Do we teach for the test?
Hey, now we are getting somewhere. Let’s have a discussion about the unrealistic portrayal and expectations of young women through the media! Bravo, Carol.
If you feel the need to explore this issue, as an adult, seek a professional. Just don’t give females another reason to question themselves or be competitive. “My orgasm is better than yours!” “Is not!” “Is too! Na na na na na!”
Never mind. We won’t have that discussion about the unrealistic portrayal and expectations of young women through the media, we are going to… discuss how a Cosmo article about orgasms is competitive? What’s competitive about it? The title was “63 Secrets To Better Orgasms,” right? Not, like, “how to have a better orgasm than all your friends,” or “How to have the best sex on the block”?
Cosmo doesn’t say it’s a competition, so… who does? Carol? The avocados? Either way, congratulations to Ms. Bradfield, who has White-Knighted her way to a victory over an argument Cosmo wasn’t making.
Also, since when does an adult who wants to explore better orgasms need to “seek a professional”? I’m at least twenty years younger than Ms. Bradfield so maybe I missed the telegram about it in the ‘80s, but when did it become wrong for women to want to improve their sex life? Oh… it didn’t? Carol just dropped a warped and dismissive admonishment out of the clear blue sky to make sex-positive women feel like sexual deviants? Got it.
And just what does this lovely headline say about our society? While women all over the world work tirelessly just to survive, we are so privileged we get to worry about the quality of our orgasms?! Forget starvation, death and destruction, let’s go for multiple orgasms, baby!
Wait! I can’t follow the jumps! We’re now discussing how a Cosmo headline at the checkout line of a grocery store in a very well-to-do suburb of a major, wealthy American city is… affecting women who deal with strife in developing countries? What?
Carol isn’t a woman in a developing country who deals with “starvation, death and destruction,” she’s a woman buying Silk and avocados who “has spent years on the advertising side of the news business – and now likes seeing her words in print.” I mean, maybe starvation, death and destruction occur in the news business and I just don’t know about it, but this is an awful and patently disrespectful comparison.
But that’s what makes it such a hot take! There’s starvation! There’s death! There’s destruction! And there’s multiple orgasms, baby! (Side note: that’s a fucking phenomenal logline for a movie. You’re welcome, Michael Bay.)
And just what does this lovely headline say about our society, anyways? Maybe the fact that we live in the freest and richest country in the history of the world and are fortunate enough to have some level of disposable income means that we can, I don’t know, worry about things like orgasms instead of starvation, death and destruction? This isn’t Bangui! We are privileged enough to worry about such things and that’s a fucking great thing.
It sounds like a bad episode of “The Twilight Zone.” A town is discovered where life is so easy, the women’s only worry is climaxing better than the night before.
Who said life was easy? Who said orgasms were the “only worry”? The headline? Or Carol? She didn’t read the actual article, so she doesn’t know what the 63 secrets are, but I don’t recall the headline using the words “only” or “worry.” But what the hell do I know? I’m dealing with starvation, death, and destruction.
Also, depending on which iteration of The Twilight Zone Carol is talking about, she either just made a 25 year-old reference, or a 60 year-old one. Remember that; it will matter soon.
Perhaps these women just need a fancy Orgasmatron like the one featured in Woody Allen’s movie “Sleeper.” While the hubby is away playing golf, she can step in and turn the dial up to 11. Ta da!
Here we go! Nothing says hip cultural criticism like following up a decades-old TV reference with a nod to a 41 year old movie! Carol’s comin’ in hot, y’all, and no new fangled Twittagram or Instabook can stop this hot take.
Is there a trophy for the woman who sees the most fireworks and hears trumpets blaring and would swear the earth moved? Why does anyone need a better orgasm? What’s wrong with the ones you have now? Who the heck came up with 63 ways to improve it? Doesn’t that seem like an awfully large number? (No, I will not buy the magazine to find out.)
Again with the competition angle? Who made the competition references, the magazine, or Ms. Bradfield? Has Carol considered “better” means “better than what you’re currently having,” as opposed to “better than all your friends are getting”? Projection is a fascinating thing…
Also, the parenthetical finale really says it all, doesn’t it? Welcome to the Internet, where you no longer have to actually read something to criticize it. You’re free to dump all your own issues into whatever you’re criticizing! Didn’t read? Doesn’t matter! It’ll make for an even hotter take!
Don’t misunderstand me. Everyone is entitled to enjoy sex. (That is if you are married and your sexual partner is your spouse.) I’m sure Adam and Eve enjoyed some fun romping around the Garden of Eden. And we may presume their sons and their wives … oops. Never mind. Anyway, sex is normal and there is nothing sinful about orgasms. It’s the 63 ways to a better one that has me tickled and miffed.
Carol’s miffed, y’all! Biblical jokes aside, this is fuckin’ classic. Everyone is entitled to enjoy sex. Cool! Wait. Never mind!
The only people who can enjoy sex are those who fit Carol’s marriage-only, heteronormative, Judeo-Christian perspective. And if you don’t fit? You’re probably going to get starvation, death, and destruction, but this time, it will come from Jesus, or Adam and Eve, or, fuck, maybe Woody Allen. I don’t know, I can’t keep up with all the references because I’m not married and my sexual partner isn’t my spouse!
It sounds like a good topic for the old “Newlywed Game.” Gentlemen, would your wife say her orgasm is: “OK, good or out of this world.” Of course, all the men answer, “Out of this world.” The wives come back and no one scores because none of the answers match. Uh-oh, trouble in paradise!
The trifecta! She did it, y’all! We can add The Newlywed Game to Carol’s list of (not) timely references. Has she weighed in on what color The Dress is yet? Or what the fox says?
Then good ol’ Bob Eubanks announces “Bob and Sheila, here’s your grand prize, chosen just for you as today’s winner of the Newlywed Game, an Orgasmatron! Yaaaaayy!
Yaaaaayy! She doubled down on Woody Allen, too! I don’t want her to feel lonely, so I’ll do the same. Starvation. Death. Destruction. MULTIPLE ORGASMS. (In theaters July 2018.)
Thanks for allowing me to vent. I’m happy to say I have found a solution to this issue. From now on, I’m going to order my groceries on line and pick them up outside the store where I am safe from Cosmo.
Don’t thank us, Carol, thank you. You’ve done a public service, and we owe you a debt of gratitude for serving us this delicious, piping-hot take. Seriously, folks, wear oven mitts to handle this one; I will not be held liable for third degree burns.
Carol’s solution sounds reasonable, too. After all, if we are going to be living in a society that allows starvation, death, destruction, and the word orgasms to be plastered all over the checkout line at Food Lion, it’s imperative to retreat from that society and avert human contact by ordering groceries online. Carol’s da real MVP.
The very best part of this dumpster fire isn’t even the hot take, though; it’s the fact that Carol’s column series is called “That’s What She Said.” Seriously. This piece de resistance is part of a series named for an obvious and crude sexual joke! Print the word orgasms and show it in the checkout line? You should seek the help of a professional. Reference a kitschy and overtly sexual TV joke as the name of your fucking column? Not a problem! The cognitive dissonance is strong in this one.
This may be the hottest non-sports talk radio related take to ever grace the Internet. We’ve got sex-shaming, insane amounts of self-righteousness, impressively outdated cultural references, completely nonsensical comparisons to strife in developing nations, sheer horror focused on a few printed words, a wildly overreactive solution to remove oneself from the grocery store forever, and an incredible example of cognitive dissonance.
Carol’s sexually titled column runs every, well, it looks like it runs every two weeks, er, maybe three weeks. Well, at least once a month. Kinda whenever Carol concocts another hot take, maybe? I don’t know. If she’s anything like me, she’s out here dodging starvation, death, and destruction, so we should be honored when she puts up a column.
I can’t wait to read her next searing take. I’m on the edge of my seat already. There is no way she will be able to deliver a scorcher more stinging than this… right?
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